Cynical Mom

On cotton blend, trucks and flowers

I've recently been browsing baby girl clothing out of curiosity while we wait to see if we're having one (I can hear my husband in the background praying for a boy so that I'll have no excuse to buy any more clothes)... and I am really not happy with baby clothing designers right now.

Especially for girls' clothing. What is with all the FLOWERS? And the LACE? And the RIBBON (Note to self - look up definition of 'rouched')? And the completely nasty patterns on so many of these things? Animal prints? And must every single shirt, no matter how simple, have those stupid ruffles at the hems? Must we have an entire category devoted to not just shorts, but also capri pants, for the newborn who wants the trendy mid-calf look? And faux-wrap? Puhleeze. (Actually it's not just faux-wrap, it also has the requisite satin ribbon, a dull flower pattern and lace on the collar and advertises the snaps on the back as an asset for quick and easy dressing. Sure.) And if you don't want to stop at a wrap that's faux, how about faux-fur? It seems like half of the girls' clothing is designed by taking adult (or rather, high-schooler) clothes and shrinking them, resulting in, as a coworker and father of two daughters says, "parents being forced to dress our kids like prostitutes."

Boy's clothing isn't any better, really. The same way that girls can't wear anything other than flowers, boys are apparently genetically predisposed to clothing with a vehicle or a symbol from some sport on it. I like to dress my boy preppy (at least, as long as he still lets me choose his clothing I will), so we don't have many of those items. His closet is full of shirts that come in about four colors total, the only difference being how thick the different stripes are.

Most of the stores I checked put together ensembles and give them names. At Gymboree, the girls' outfits names: Gingerbread Girl, Sprinkles on Top, Home Sweet Home, Heart To Heart, Winter Princess, A Neat Package. The boys? Little Aviator, Flight School, My Hero, Fired Up, Hot Stuff, Fishing for Complements.

OK, really, I have no interest in censoring clothing. They wouldn't make it if people weren't buying it. And I know full well that weeks or months or years from now, if I do have a girl (an October birthday, right? right?...), I will end up purchasing and loving some of what I currently make fun of. What I really want is more choice. I don't want to be stuck to the same four colors and patterns with such close division along gender lines.

Is there some line of baby and toddler clothing that is not too expensive ($25 for a onesie she'll wear for three months tops and poop all over three times minimum? No thanks) that has decent patterns? Is there a baby clothing designer that gets as wigged out as I do at baby girl t-shirts with gathering in the middle of the chest? I'm hardly a fashion maven (I pretty much wear solid colors all day every day), but I do have some appreciation for style on others, and I can't help but think that somewhere out there, there is someone designing clothing for babies that I can afford and that doesn't have ruffles.

Everyone should get one thing they're allowed to really hate with impunity. And I really hate the ruffles.

Why am I unable to buy him a pink shirt?

He likes pink. I am pretty sure I did not push him in that direction in some feeble-minded attempt to prove something to myself or others[1], but that I merely supported his enjoyment of the color when he expressed it.

The first time I remember it coming up was when we were walking through a local thrift store, that has piles and piles of toys on top of the clothing racks. I told him he could have one, and he'd chosen a big red truck which he was clutching in his lap as we moved through the store. Suddenly, he stopped - "pink car! pink car!" and lo-and-behold, there was a pink car, as pink as you can get sitting next to us. I told him he could have one toy, did he want the red truck or the pink car? The pink car won.

So we took the pink car home, where my husband to this day still grumbles about it being a barbie car. He doesn't play with the pink car very much anymore (although I can't bring myself to give it away) it's Just Another Car (as it should be, since colors are not inherently anything, let alone gender-specific). Since then I have done some minor things like made sure one of his train birthday cakes was pink. He continues to express an interest in the color pink, nothing obsessive though.

Recently, I commented on Bark/Bite about my son and pink. After writing that comment, I resolved to soon purchase my son a pink shirt.

Well, Internet, I am here to tell you that I failed. I was at the store today and had in-hand a pink turtleneck whose only "fault" was that it was pink, it had none of the other failings of the usual girly clothing (the frilly edges, lace and all that other crap that drives me nuts from baby/toddler girl clothing).

It was Just A Pink Turtleneck. But I couldn't bring myself to buy it. I'm not sure why.

I think my main fear was that I would bring it to him and he would hate it, and then I would have to admit that he has many stereotypically/cultural "boy" interests and that the pink thing was a passing fancy and not an indication that my two year old would grow up to be a new-age, sensitive man who was able to talk about his feelings.

So basically, it is about me. Dang.

Bark/Bite has some more words on a related topic.

[1] I have this ongoing "joke" with some friends (and well, the internet, since I've posted about it) that I want my son to be gay. I attribute this mainly to my already existing fear that he will one day "leave" me for some other woman and end up being closer to her parents than they are to us and that perhaps if he's gay and his boyfriend's parents suck, we can be the parents who not only don't freak out but are thrilled that he's found someone important to him, and also that I don't know how I would handle being the mother of a stereotypical jock or a social conservative or a guy so incapable of talking about his feelings that he is never able to form a long-term close romantic bond, and based on my admittedly limited and completely un-scientific sample, gay men tend to be less likely to have those qualities than straight ones.

It's quite easy to see that this little 'joke' is entirely about me and my own insecurities, but it does make me wonder - what can I as a parent do to raise a child to never call someone 'fag' as an indication of hatred, to never be a bully, to not be shamed or pressured into fitting our society's expectations of his gender if it is contrary to his internal desires... and of course, most importantly - to never reach an age where he's embarrassed to hug or kiss his mom in public?

Just kidding on that last one, I know that's a given. Ah, well.

Thanks, Albertson's!

A while back we ordered groceries online from Albertson's and the delivery guy dropped off a few extra special items as well... a box of "Tiger Power" cereal (theyyyyyyyyrrrree's gggrrreatly sugary!) and a "chore chart game" to encourage kids to help out with chores.

Well, at least help their mom. The game was laid out like a board game, with various stages along the way, several of which fit a certain theme:

(Yeah, I realize I didn't hold the cameraphone steady, in
case you can't read it says HELP MOM CLEAN THE WINDOWS)

No, there were no chores that dad needed help on on this 'game'.

I just don't get it. Was there NO MOTHER or "new age sensitive father" or husband or friend of a vaguely feminist woman OR ANYONE WITH A BRAIN involved in the development of this product?

Anyone up for some billiards?

Cranky Mommy recently mentioned http://www.matchingmoms.org/, and my ears perked up. Seems like a great idea. It's so hard to meet other like-minded people without a lot of time, something that magically disappeared round about two years ago for me.

So I go to fill out my profile, and I see that I can choose from a variety of interests, such as: Adoption, Antiques, Arts, Attachment Parenting, Billiards, Bowling, Breastfeeding, Cats, Cooking, Dancing, Massage, Movies, Fitness, Shopping... but the closest thing to "Computers" is "Surfing the Net". They might as well have had a checkbox for "Forwarding hoaxes debunked on snopes in 1998" on the list.

They do have "Music (listening)" but no "Music (creating)". So why segment it at all? How is it that "Billiards" got on the list but Computers didn't? Why do I find it more than mildly annoying that nearly every single category on this interests list is stereotypically female?

Heck, I'm more than willing to admit that it may be that they're serving the needs of their customers best, and their customers do mainly have interests in those categories. But how do they know they're not turning away potential customers who are a little offput at the default list? Or hey, throw a bone to feminism, even if NOBODY puts it as an interest, put "Cars" on the list just to make stuck-up feminist wannabes like me feel better (as we skip past it and check "Scrapbooking" instead).

At least they do have "Computers" and "Engineering" in the section about the type of work that I am doing. (But then again, they also have "Unemployed"). So at least they recognize I might have something to do with computers at all - but is it unthinkable that I might actually enjoy the type of work that I do? Or hey, what if I happened to be particularly passionate about Food Service, is there no way for this form to let me announce that to the world in my 'interests' section?

I think my standards are too high, or I'm just not looking in the right place. There is no listing for 'Cynical moms' in the playgroup list and my knee-jerk reaction to one of the display names of the mom's groups was that they didn't pluralize 'mommies' correctly, so my takeaway from that is that I'm an evil person.

It's all for naught, anyway, because interest-based matching has never been very successful for me the few times I've tried it. I am very into photography, really enjoy taking pictures, working in photoshop, etc. But that doesn't mean I meld particularly well with anyone else just because of a shared interest.

Even if I shared two or three or four major interests, I don't think I'd really have a higher chance of success, because it's not really the interests I look for when looking for friends, but the personality. And how do you fill out a list of checkboxes to describe your personality or find people with a similar one? That's why blogging has been so interesting for me, to describe my own personality by way of what I blog about, and to pick up on others' personalities by reading what they write about. Of course if I decide I want to take the next step, then I go back to high school and get all insecure and procrastinate.

P.S. on that note, Elizabeth, I know I owe you an email... but I don't see your address on your site? You can reach me at cyn AT photo DOT lemson DOT com.

And about them there gender stereotypes

My two year old adores vehicles. Trucks, boats, trains, buses, motorcycles, planes, and the beloved helicopter. Our town is having Big Truck Day this friday, which I signed him up for (newish parent that I am, I didn't realize I'd have to reserve a spot in advance until another mother pointed it out - oops).

As the woman who reserved us our spot said over the phone: "Now at his age, I do need to warn you that there are some activities he will not be able to participate in, as they're not intended for children under three." No worries, I said: "I think he will be tickled pink to just see Big Trucks, and I've heard that there will be Big Trucks there."

So, on friday we will go see Big Trucks, and I know my little boy will explode in a fit of otherworldly happiness.

All the while I am reserving his spot and looking forward to it because I know how happy he will be, I am still thinking about how we are marching happily along the path to stereotypical likes and dislikes (let me guess what's next - dinosaurs?). But by that same token, his favorite color is still pink, and (having been borne to a mother who happens to still have her lovey in a drawer in her bedside table) he adores his blue doggie and pink kitty (ok ok, so he's not the most imaginative child when it comes to lovey names) like nobody's business.

Plus, I remember how much I totally dug dinosaurs and green army men when I was a kid (although interestingly enough, my mom doesn't remember those phases and instead remembers my longer-running barbie and my little pony fascinations). So I am hoping that achieving some sort of balance in gender stereotypes has a lot to do with me noticing what he enjoys and nurturing it, regardless of which specific gender it might be commonly associated with.

As I write this, I can't help but feel that five or ten years from now I will look back at me now and laugh knowingly and think about much I tried to be balanced in my offerings, but he turned out to be a stereotypical boy regardless. If so, then so be it; it makes me feel better now that I'm at least actively thinking about it and consciously trying to offer a variety.

Plus, tonight on the video monitor (aka "a luxury that I never knew I couldn't live without until I had it") we listened to him put himself to sleep by singing Itsy Bitsy Spider louder and more out of key than you would expect from a really drunk old man. And somehow, those kinds of moments make the rest of it seem so silly.

Perhaps he's onto something, I'll have to try that approach the next time I have trouble sleeping, i.e. in an hour: ...Itty bitty PIE DAH wakin up SPOW. down came WAYNE and washa PIE DAH ow. Ow came SUNNAN drydup ahda WAYNE anna itty bitty PIE DAH wen up da POW gain...

A thought just occurred to me

If this baby's a girl, I'm going to become even more rabidly feminist. This is probably not going to sit well with certain people. Ah, well.

Again with the nature/nurture

My parents recently left after spending most of a week with me. During that time, I had a variety of interesting conversations with them about life, the universe and everything. I introduced them to Freakonomics and Malcolm Gladwell, and I learned more about the grandfather I never met.

One of the conversations my mom and I returned to several times over the course of the last few days was nature vs nurture. My mom's position is that she tried very, very hard to make sure her four girls (out of five children) were not exposed to too much gender stereotyping, and yet they (we) all adored Barbie, so there you go, nature it is.

My position is that if she were the only influence on us, then perhaps we wouldn't have adored Barbie quite so much, but it's just the way of the world that children's peers and other people with whom they have some contact end up influencing their direction as well... and well, I know all my friends played with Barbie too. Although there was that one kid, Kevin, who in second grade could draw the most amazing Ninjas, I hope I complimented him on them at least once as I found them fascinating.

My perspective, being one of those four girls, is that she did a fantastic job, as best she could have, given the rest of the societal influences on us wee ones.

I clearly remember playing with barbie and my little pony, but I also clearly remember my box full of little green army men and hating wearing dresses or skirts. I managed to make it through high school without having any idea of how to put on makeup (still true). I early on ditched purses for the much more convenient wallet in the back pocket or, if needed, backpack. I believe I managed to make it almost to adulthood without any idea that some people considered it odd for women (and more specifically mothers) to work if they don't absolutely have to. My mom was mostly stay at home when the kids were young, although I do remember that at least when I was young, she took on a variety of jobs or outside interests such as writing for the local paper, participating in various organizations, etc. I always figured that I myself would work when I was a mother, and since I crossed that threshold, I've had a much harder time struggling with the idea of staying home than the idea of staying at work.

In a visit to my parents' house last year, my mother said to me: "My wish for you is that you have a daughter some day, because they are a wonderful thing for a mother." One of the reasons I wanted a boy with my first pregnancy was my fear of raising a girl. I struggled mightily with self esteem issues until about... three years ago. Now it's only a wee struggle instead of a mighty one. I've gained enough mothering confidence with my firstborn that I feel I will be able to tackle what I perceive to be the challenges of raising a girl, and I would welcome those challenges indeed if this one turns out to be a girl. Of course, I still hope that I will be able to forge and maintain a relationship with my son(s) as strong as any I would have with a daughter, but that statement really sticks with me.

</ramble>

Girls, Boys, Laundry.

Warning: Rambling ahead.

I went out with a bunch of mom friends last night. So picture a gaggle of 7 mothers sitting around a table talking and laughing a bit too loudly as they sip their lemon drops (oh hush, I had a virgin daiquiri).  I rarely feel like much of a girl, except when I'm with these women. And naturally the conversation went along traditional lines: our kids, our husbands, what we read in People magazine. And then of course, separation of household duties and the never-ending nature vs nurture.

I raised the subject of family laundry responsibilities as it's been a recent curiosity of me to see how others split this up. David and I consolidated checking accounts when we got married yet we didn't merge the laundry; we each have our own dirty piles and take care of washing and drying and putting away our own clothes. I didn't realize until last night that this makes us complete freaks. Every other woman at the table, whether or not she worked, did the laundry for the entire family. Yikes. So chalk that one up to "Didn't know how good I had it until I knew what it was like for others." They all thought we were weird.

Of course, there are a variety of reasons why we haven't merged, probably the main one being that my standards are much lower than my husband's (the man folds his t-shirts into perfect squares!) and I am a firm believer in the "If you don't like the way I do it, then do it yourself" rule for determining separation of household responsibilities - assuming of course that neither side purposely does a bad job in order to avoid the responsibility ;-).

Another topic where I was the sole voice on one side was nature vs nurture. Half-Changed World mentioned this recently, linking to an interesting post on Jo(e) discussing this as well which again lead me through an interesting romp on the blogosphere (On a side note, I love finding new bloggers through links to topics in which I'm interested).

Myself, I am firmly in the nurture camp - not that I deny that nature plays a role in the development of a child, but I tend to disagree with the specifics that are often attributed to the genders when this issue comes up. I.e. I don't believe that there's a part of our genetic code that says XX like jewelery and makeup and XY likes throwing dirt, or that girls tend to talk more and boys tend to hit more. I believe that in general, we train our children to act that way starting from the way we treat them even before they're born (here's a short summary of some related studies and this is interesting as well).

There has always been and will continue to be tomboys and sensitive men, and each generation does modify its stereotypes, of course. Now to be clear, being in the nurture camp does not mean that I believe I can change my child to be what I want him to be. He's a sponge; he soaks up an amazing amount of information each day from the world around him. If I were the only person he ever interacted with or ever saw, just maybe I could have significant influence... But that's never going to be the case.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard moms-to-be who knew the gender of their babies describe their in-utero boys as so active, kicking all the time, and yet according to the mothers, the in-utero girls seemed to be much more quiet and reserved and gentle. Yet somehow when they come out, all babies cry a lot. My son's current favorite color is pink, and so I made sure one of the trains in his birthday cake had pink frosting; a three year old boy at his birthday party wanted the pink cake out of all of the cakes, and his father tried to convince him otherwise. Before Jared was born (we didn't find out the gender for him either), several members of my family kept trying to convince me to find out the gender so they knew what color baby clothes to buy; I insisted that I didn't like pink anyway so they could buy whatever and the baby would wear it.

Side note: I have to admit that I get a small thrill out of the fact that he loves pink, as if it is a meaningful milestone in my attempt to minimize the amount of socialization I myself do (it's not - but I still like it :-). Recently, Jared and I went to the local thrift shop to buy a toy; Jared picked a red truck out of a pile and we were on our way to the cashier to pay for it, and then he saw the pink car and kept saying "pink car! pink car!" I gave him a choice and he chose the pink car.

I like to think that I'm always open to changing my opinion based on new information, so I'm looking for some good books or articles to read on this subject... anyone have any recommendations? I've run across this one, but it's a wee bit pricey, much of the books seem to be more of the textbook variety. In the meantime I'll browse the blogs...

Two Movies

The last two movies I've watched: Ocean's 12 and Sideways. My husband and I had equal and opposite reactions to both of them, and I am wondering if there is a larger pattern.

We watched Sideways on a plane. My husband had already seen it, and I'd read plenty of reviews of it that gushed over what a great movie it was while simultaneously making me suspect that I wouldn't like it based on the reasons they cited for its goodness. He warned me that I wouldn't like one of the characters in the movie (let's just say I have a negative history with cheating in a relationship that makes me not want to watch it played out onscreen) but that it was good overall.

We watched Ocean's 12 on our TV at home. Neither of us had seen it before. Similarly, I'd read plenty of reviews of it but they were all very lukewarm, talking about how it fell flat on its face compared to the greatness of Ocean's 11, was a tepid sequel, etc etc. So I had low expectations going in.

Now, for sideways: I hated it. Many bad movies these days suffer from lack of real character development... but just because there is character development in a movie does not mean it's a good movie. I rarely enjoy a movie unless I identify with, sympathize with or otherwise like at least one of the major characters (if not for Jar Jar, I would have hated The Phantom Menace! yuck yuck). I did sympathize with Giamatti's character, but just didn't find the story engaging. I didn't understand many of his motivations for the decisions he made, I didn't see what benefit he was getting from his relationship with The Cheater, I thought the relationships in the story moved unrealistically fast for the "one week" timeframe in which the movie was set. Oh yeah - and I didn't like The Cheater, but I have enjoyed other movies with unlikable characters (Election is the closest example I can think of right now).

My husband and just about every reviewer, however, loved it. I can't figure out why. What is so good about that movie? Ugh.

Now for Ocean's 12. As the credits rolled, I said aloud "Well that was surprisingly good!" to which my husband responded with something like an "eh". I loved the overall plot, how the relationships with various women played a role in some of the characters' decisions, the introduction of the Night Fox, the one liners and twists. My only complaint was that it felt like the director was trying too hard with the camera angles ("oh look, let's rotate the airplane landing 90 degrees for absolutely no reason at all and now we're innovative") but that's pretty typical of Soderbergh and didn't detract from my overall enjoyment of the movie.

Now my question is: Are our reactions reactions to these movies simply split along gender lines and stereotypes? Did men like Sideways because the cheater still gets his girl even though he does bad things and the sadsack also gets a hottie? Do women like Ocean's 12 because Brad takes the group to Amsterdam so he can spy on his long-lost love, and there's a powerful female character who does something other than look good on camera and shows the men a thing or two?