Cynical Mom

I'll take 'Things you don't want your 3 year old to say' for $400, Alex

"Guess what Audrey's gonna do? She's gonna throw up!"

Fortunately it appears that she made a minor sayo[1] - she really meant "eat this piece of chicken", and for whatever reason she accidentally said "throw up" instead. Go figure. She then proceeded to take a fork from the table, hide it behind her back and say "Who's comin' out of my belly? A baby, or a fork?" Fortunately, it was neither.

Her quotes tonight were mighty helpful for lightening the mood, since I had spent the day at home with Jared, instead of at work. Why is that? Well that would be because school called us at 10am to tell us that Jared bit another kid in his class and - get this - drew blood. Apparently this wasn't the kind of thing where he bit the kid and then whipped out a sketchbook and a red crayon and showed everyone what blood looks like - but it was the kind that used to be inside the other kid's finger but was now oozing out of the wound created by my calm, quiet, peaceful, innocent 5 year old.

So when school called to tell us about this, I had to go pick him up. I then took him home and sold him to the gypsies - but it worked out OK, I got a great deal.

Later in the evening, he worked off some more aggression with Audrey as they were having a screamingly good time jumping around together on our couch, and they shared this exchange of brotherly-sisterly love:

Jared: "Can I jump on your face?"
Audrey: "No!!" <turns to me> "He want jump on my face!!" <turns back to Jared> "Please can you not do dat?"

Please, indeed.

[1] It's like a typo, but you say it.[2]
[2] Oh come on, like you've never done it?

A five year old on why star wars is like star trek

Because star trek has a square death star[1].

:-)

There's a star trek marathon[2] on this week. And Jared got to watch a few minutes of it with us because, hell, it was the last night before his first day of kindergarten, he was obviously freaked out and needy as hell, and hey we'd already been successful indoctrinating him with Star Wars, why not introduce him to another childhood[3] favorite?

 

[1] aka the borg cube.
[2] As a testament to how I Am So Not The Same Person I Was Two Years Ago, when my husband first said that, I was imagining people running a marathon wearing star trek uniforms...
[3] I actually said to Jared "This was one of mommy's favorite shows to watch when she was a kid", to which David harrrumphed and said "Daddy wasn't exactly a kid when he was watching it while it was on the air..."[4]
[4] Sucks to be so oooooold, eh?

Dream interpretation, anyone?

As told by the five year old:

Mommy, the other night I had a scary dream. You were having a picnic, and there was a BAD guy... now, this is kind of a happy part. He tried to bite you, but you held out your hand and said no thank you. But then, here's the scary part. He bit your FINGER! But here's another happy part. You put on SOoooo many bandaids, that the police came!

The rules of dodge-ball, as explained by a five year old

They are simple. There are only three:

#1: If the ball goes outside the fence, you're out
#2: If you get hit and you cry, you're out
#3: If you get hit and you don't cry, you're out

So I asked him "The rules talk about crying?"

He says: "Yeah. It's a rough game."

My son, the offensive pointer

Yo yo yo...

Son following in geek mom & dad's footsteps

That's right - Luke Skywalker. Or, as Jared describes it, "LUCK SKY WOKR". Not too freakin' bad for a four year old!

 

"An S the best I can try, R2D2, C3P0, TK-41, and Battle Droid"

 

"Lord Vader" (I really wish he'd stop calling him that, it just creeps me out)

OK, but are you going to cover the funeral expenses too?

I said no to something our wonderful little boy wanted deeply, madly, from the bottom of his soul. I don't even remember what it was, it happens so often the instances all kind of morph together in my memory.

He pulled his standard response now that he understands how important love is but hasn't yet realized that using it as a weapon is not destined to lead to a life of happiness: "I definitely don't love you!"

Me: "Well, that makes me feel very sad to hear you say that."

Him: "Well... I'll be sad when you die, though."

I'm probably supposed to be collapsed in a pool of tears at this point because my four year old has declared his lack of love for me, but all I can think is "'though'? Hee-hee it's so much funnier because he said 'though' at the end!".

It's a tie, everybody wins!

Jared: "I don't wanna be your big sister anymore!" <after some minor infraction by Audrey>

Me: "Actually Jared you're a big brother - Audrey's your little sister."

Audrey: "I not little sister! I an AUDWEE!"

Why... thank you.

Jared, pulling at my sleeve tonight trying to get my attention while I'm distracted, trying to catch up on work email:

Me: "Jared, I have to do something on my computer now, but I promise you we will have quality jared & mommy time at bedt..."

and here, he cuts me off and says (imagine this is said in a tone of complete shock as well, to really bring you to the moment):

Jared: "Mommy! You smell gorgeous!"

You can't get away with anything with a four year old in the house

Jared was watching David check email on his phone, and suddenly spouted out:

"Oh you know what? Once, at Safta and Pop-pop's house, Safta said Pop-pop had a stupid email, and HE said he would clear the table in five minutes, but he DIN'T!"