Need help deciding how to write this blog post

I have a couple possible openers to this one - you tell me which one is better.

 

Option #1:

You know how on Dateline they'll bring a blacklight into a random hotel room and turn it on and *gasp* show you SPECKS OF FECES on the pillows? And then you wonder - gee, that'd odd - how did SPECKS OF FECES get on those pillows? What kind of deranged former customers were in this room - poo-flinging monkeys?

Well, that's what you wonder after you're done wondering things like:

#1: Who was the person who first discovered that you could use a blacklight to see poop?

#2: After they discovered it, did they publish the discovery in a scientific journal?

#3: What scientific journal would actually publish such a discovery in the first place?

#4: Assuming that the discovery had long since been discover-ered, who was the first person at Dateline who came up with the idea of using a blacklight to find poop in hotel rooms?

Well I'm here to say that - yes, it was us. It was because of my family that Dateline reporters line their fat pockets with money made from the millions of viewers who are engrossed by the Investigative Reportering showing that there are specks of feces left around in hotel rooms from previous "guests".

 

Option #2:

Soon after meeting my husband, I discovered that he was a very clean man. I've worn off on him over the years and brought him down to my level of slovenliness for which I hold on to a tiny (really, not that big at all) bit of guilt, but there are a few things he's stuck to that I simply don't care about:

#1: Crud on the bottom of the shower. One of the blessings of being near-sighted and wearing glasses is that by definition, I never see crud in the shower because I'm not wearing my glasses.

#2: Misc things called "germs" on kitchen appliances. One of our longstanding arguments is around the necessity of using the "SANI-CLEAN" setting on the dishwasher. He maintains it is of the utmost importance if we don't want to be eating off of dishes that may have stray specks of feces or other such germy things on them. Whereas I say that it takes too damned long to run that stupid cycle and since we still eat off of dishes we hand-clean like pots and large bowls that certainly don't go through any hand-based SANI CLEANing, then there's really no point in making all the dishes go through it.

Regarding #2 in particular, he's always felt strongly that when we stay in a hotel with a kitchenette, that we must not use any of the kitchen implements because you never know what kind of specks of feces or other such wonderful goodness they have on them.

I never understood... until this past week, when a certain young member of my family was responsible for putting specks of feces onto kitchen gear in a hotel.

 

 

OK... which one is better? Which should I go with? Ah, nevermind. At any rate, I learned an important lesson this past weekend while on vacation with my younguns: When you sniff something while Audrey's in the bath, and you say to her: "Audrey now remember, is it okay to poop in the bathtub?" and she says "noooooooooooooo not okay poop inna bathtub; poop goes inna diaper or inna potty!"...DON'T BELIEVE THE LITTLE BITCH.

 

And oh yeah, the kitchen implement in question was a nice plastic pitcher they were playing with in the bathtub.

 

:-)

Comments

[Daniel Howard]

Does your husband ever eat out? Because uhm . . . there are plenty of specks of all sorts in a restaurant. Compared to that a little poo never hurt anyone. Besides, immune systems need to practice.

But yes, "specks of feces" is a good turn of phrase. What was the question?

-d

[Saul]

Option #2 by a landslide. I hadn't wondered about the blacklight and feces-discovery discovery; there are many stranger discoveries that more tickle my sense of scientific wonder. On the other hand, in #2 I learned something about you and about your husband.
It keeps my interest until the punchline, which was quite rewarding. B+

[OverDad]

I just peed my pants - luckily I was sitting on a spatula killing two birds to one, um, piss as it were.

[Mike]

I'd go with the "Don't believe the ..."

Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com/