I have a couple possible openers to this one - you tell me which one is better.
You know how on Dateline they'll bring a blacklight into a random hotel room and turn it on and *gasp* show you SPECKS OF FECES on the pillows? And then you wonder - gee, that'd odd - how did SPECKS OF FECES get on those pillows? What kind of deranged former customers were in this room - poo-flinging monkeys?
Well, that's what you wonder after you're done wondering things like:
#1: Who was the person who first discovered that you could use a blacklight to see poop?
#2: After they discovered it, did they publish the discovery in a scientific journal?
#3: What scientific journal would actually publish such a discovery in the first place?
#4: Assuming that the discovery had long since been discover-ered, who was the first person at Dateline who came up with the idea of using a blacklight to find poop in hotel rooms?
Well I'm here to say that - yes, it was us. It was because of my family that Dateline reporters line their fat pockets with money made from the millions of viewers who are engrossed by the Investigative Reportering showing that there are specks of feces left around in hotel rooms from previous "guests".
Soon after meeting my husband, I discovered that he was a very clean man. I've worn off on him over the years and brought him down to my level of slovenliness for which I hold on to a tiny (really, not that big at all) bit of guilt, but there are a few things he's stuck to that I simply don't care about:
#1: Crud on the bottom of the shower. One of the blessings of being near-sighted and wearing glasses is that by definition, I never see crud in the shower because I'm not wearing my glasses.
#2: Misc things called "germs" on kitchen appliances. One of our longstanding arguments is around the necessity of using the "SANI-CLEAN" setting on the dishwasher. He maintains it is of the utmost importance if we don't want to be eating off of dishes that may have stray specks of feces or other such germy things on them. Whereas I say that it takes too damned long to run that stupid cycle and since we still eat off of dishes we hand-clean like pots and large bowls that certainly don't go through any hand-based SANI CLEANing, then there's really no point in making all the dishes go through it.
Regarding #2 in particular, he's always felt strongly that when we stay in a hotel with a kitchenette, that we must not use any of the kitchen implements because you never know what kind of specks of feces or other such wonderful goodness they have on them.
I never understood... until this past week, when a certain young member of my family was responsible for putting specks of feces onto kitchen gear in a hotel.
OK... which one is better? Which should I go with? Ah, nevermind. At any rate, I learned an important lesson this past weekend while on vacation with my younguns: When you sniff something while Audrey's in the bath, and you say to her: "Audrey now remember, is it okay to poop in the bathtub?" and she says "noooooooooooooo not okay poop inna bathtub; poop goes inna diaper or inna potty!"...DON'T BELIEVE THE LITTLE BITCH.
And oh yeah, the kitchen implement in question was a nice plastic pitcher they were playing with in the bathtub.
Tomorrow is Mother's day. It was also a day on which I was planning to run my first half-marathon, which I have been training for for months.
Yesterday I worked out in the morning, and at the end of the day David and I decided to go bike and pick up the kids from school in the trailer to squeeze in an extra workout.
Like most pacific northwesterners, we actually pay attention to street signals and so during the ride there, we patiently waited until we had the WALK sign and right of way on a busy intersection.
When I was halfway across the intersection, an idiot in the right-hand lane pulled out, covering the entire crosswalk, chatting away on a cellphone and not even looking my way.
I braked fast in order to not slam into her car, fell down, and my bike fell on top of me. And in the process, I banged up my knee - which now hurts when I put pressure on it, so I can't @*#$(@#$ run my @#)$@ half marathon anymore.