Plotting

Girl's Gone Child recently blogged about her son not crawling yet and got the expected spate of "Don't worry, kids grow at their own rates" comments (I nearly added one myself).

Jared didn't start scooting until 9m (in the most adorable army-crawl) and didn't really get far until 10m. And then he didn't take his first steps until 14m with actual predictable walking happening around 16m. All along I worried about it, was my boy slow, blah blah blah can you tell I'm a first-time parent blah blah.

Fast forward a couple of years, we're doing this whole thing over again. Audrey's about to turn a whopping three months, and I'm already starting to plot on how I can keep her from becoming mobile until she's ready for kindergarten.

I've covered most of our floors with a super-slick covering so that she won't even discover that such a thing exists as traction, much less master it herself. I'm going to be binding her legs together as soon as she shows the first sign of mobility so that she can learn from the beginning that Mama Don't Want Her Babies To Move, They Need To Stay Small Forever And Not Grow Up. And because I can already tell she's a genius and will figure out some way of mermaid-on-land-squirming that will make her semi-mobile even with the binding, I'm going to add weights to the binds and some industrial hook-and-loop fastener so that I can stick her to the carpet, couch and select places on the walls.

The first time around with parenting, I really didn't know what I was doing. This time, I've got it all figured out.

Comments

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

Yeah. Being a first time mom, I can't even imagine my little dude crawling. In fact I don't believe it is even possible. I have this recurring dream where Archer is graduating from college and we have to wheel his ass on the stage in his Maclaren, his butt sagging down to the street.

Crazy, yes but all the baby milestones are so unbelievable to the unexperienced mamacitas (or just me?) I am looking forward to the next kiddo (presumption), when i can give myself expert advice and then roll my eyes at myself... because I sooooo will.

Thanks for the link :)