Why am I unable to buy him a pink shirt?

He likes pink. I am pretty sure I did not push him in that direction in some feeble-minded attempt to prove something to myself or others[1], but that I merely supported his enjoyment of the color when he expressed it.

The first time I remember it coming up was when we were walking through a local thrift store, that has piles and piles of toys on top of the clothing racks. I told him he could have one, and he'd chosen a big red truck which he was clutching in his lap as we moved through the store. Suddenly, he stopped - "pink car! pink car!" and lo-and-behold, there was a pink car, as pink as you can get sitting next to us. I told him he could have one toy, did he want the red truck or the pink car? The pink car won.

So we took the pink car home, where my husband to this day still grumbles about it being a barbie car. He doesn't play with the pink car very much anymore (although I can't bring myself to give it away) it's Just Another Car (as it should be, since colors are not inherently anything, let alone gender-specific). Since then I have done some minor things like made sure one of his train birthday cakes was pink. He continues to express an interest in the color pink, nothing obsessive though.

Recently, I commented on Bark/Bite about my son and pink. After writing that comment, I resolved to soon purchase my son a pink shirt.

Well, Internet, I am here to tell you that I failed. I was at the store today and had in-hand a pink turtleneck whose only "fault" was that it was pink, it had none of the other failings of the usual girly clothing (the frilly edges, lace and all that other crap that drives me nuts from baby/toddler girl clothing).

It was Just A Pink Turtleneck. But I couldn't bring myself to buy it. I'm not sure why.

I think my main fear was that I would bring it to him and he would hate it, and then I would have to admit that he has many stereotypically/cultural "boy" interests and that the pink thing was a passing fancy and not an indication that my two year old would grow up to be a new-age, sensitive man who was able to talk about his feelings.

So basically, it is about me. Dang.

Bark/Bite has some more words on a related topic.

[1] I have this ongoing "joke" with some friends (and well, the internet, since I've posted about it) that I want my son to be gay. I attribute this mainly to my already existing fear that he will one day "leave" me for some other woman and end up being closer to her parents than they are to us and that perhaps if he's gay and his boyfriend's parents suck, we can be the parents who not only don't freak out but are thrilled that he's found someone important to him, and also that I don't know how I would handle being the mother of a stereotypical jock or a social conservative or a guy so incapable of talking about his feelings that he is never able to form a long-term close romantic bond, and based on my admittedly limited and completely un-scientific sample, gay men tend to be less likely to have those qualities than straight ones.

It's quite easy to see that this little 'joke' is entirely about me and my own insecurities, but it does make me wonder - what can I as a parent do to raise a child to never call someone 'fag' as an indication of hatred, to never be a bully, to not be shamed or pressured into fitting our society's expectations of his gender if it is contrary to his internal desires... and of course, most importantly - to never reach an age where he's embarrassed to hug or kiss his mom in public?

Just kidding on that last one, I know that's a given. Ah, well.

Comments

[chip]

but CM, pink is just so preppy, whether gay or straight!

[Scott Cunning]

I know quite a few guys who are straight as straight can be who can pull off a pink sure (assuming it's not a girly cut or anything); conversely, none of the gays and bis I know ever wear pink. So there you go.

Also, I think on the "what can I as a parent do" question, social conservatives (most of whom, believe it or not, also do not want their kids growing up to call gay people "fag") wrestle with the same issue, and I think the responses are the same, whatever the value system: Communicate your values and expectations early and often. Be honest. Don't talk down to him. Respect his choices, even--especially--when they're different. Honestly listening to his concerns and prejudices will build up the trust that it takes to "bring him over" to your side if he runs astray. And most of all, just remember that you're always teaching. It's recently occured to me that things I heard my parents say just once--including things when I was as young as six and as old as twenty--ended up coming out of my mouth years later, and colored my intake of data on issues from religion to labor unions. As long as you're consistent in displaying the values you want, he'll pick them up. Kids don't rebel against values that aren't forced upon them.

[Cynical Mom]

Chip: True, except that I absolutely hate the color pink for *me* because I resent the girlishness attached to it :-) Not that I am anywhere close to preppy.

Scott: Thanks for the comments. I probably should have used a different term other than "social conservatives" which is a pretty broad term - what I meant by that was someone who thinks gays are somehow less deserving of certain rights such as marriage or even civil unions. I am of the opinion that someone who is anti-gay marriage/anti-gay-civil-union would not necessarily support *open* hatred or discrimination of gays, but I don't understand how anyone could be anti-GM if they don't harbor some internal hatred or fear, which I would then tie back to thinking it OK to use "fag" as a derogatory term.

[Jennifer]

My 4 year old son loves the colour pink, and so far we haven't bought him any clothing that colour (except a pair of swimming goggles). His plate and cup at dinner time are pink, and he spent a week after his third birthday carrying around a box of pink play-dough he got (other colours were included, but that was the one he carried around).

He's very blonde, and I got enough "what a cute girl" comments when he was born (I think everyone instinctively thinks that blondes are female because in the adult world, there are far more blonde women than men) that I'm a bit sensitive about dressing him in something that might mean he got taken for a girl.

His uncle is gay (and in a very long term relationship - they visit often), so I don't feel too bad about the messages we're giving him by not buying him pink clothes.

One of the things he failed on his 2.5 year old test was not knowing whether he was a boy or a girl, which I didn't think was a bad thing. He still gets "he" and "she" mixed up sometimes.

So what am I saying? I don't think pink clothes are the only way to be gender neutral for your son.

[Jim]

I think it was good judgment that you didn't get the pink turtleneck. Try a pink T-shirt or button up shirt. Those are a little more neutral, and less likely to draw comments that will intimidate your son into hating pink.