What are you judgmental about?

I've written often enough about the various parental debates and how we all judge each other, blah blah can't we get along etc etc warm fuzzy I'd like to teach the world to sing. But I carry around a dirty secret. As I posted on another blog a few weeks ago:

I used to pride myself on my non-judgmentalness, if there is such a word. How I'm all "whatever works for you" and whatnot.

Then I found out about elimination communication (i.e. newborns without diapers) and I just... well... I judged.

I've come to realize that I really am not as laid back as I'd like to think, and that I do have strong opinions that I think are "right" and that there are other opinions that I think are "wrong". Namely, I judge.

My only solace is that I am capable of changing my opinions and feeling remorse, and recently I've found myself coming around on a few issues I used to be more judgmental on. The reason I bring this up now is that while rereading a recent post from Half-Changed World about sleep today, I realized that the area I am a strong judger is about sleep.

I read many sleep books when my son was young, and the one that stuck with me the most was Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. And the most important takeaway from that book (which really could be much much thinner, it gets repetitive) was how important sleep is to health. I saw this in my son and myself: the less sleep I get, the less human I feel. The less sleep he gets, the more annoying he is.

So whenever I hear a parent say that their six month old just won't nap, I have a knee-jerk reaction of concern, because I truly believe in the importance of sleep to health (both mental and physical, of the parent and the child) and that surely, nearly every child is capable of getting more sleep, you just have to find the way to encourage it that works for your family.

But what I don't know is where to draw the line of what is me having an opinion and what is me being judgmental of others' opinions? Is it possible to disagree without judging? If you believe the dictionary is a useful tool in defining the meaning of words, judging is merely the forming of an opinion, so you can hardly avoid it. Or is the important thing not what I feel but what I say - keep your mouth shut unless you're asked for your opinion?

Of course, as a blogger, that whole "keep your mouth shut" thing is a mighty tricky balance... :-)

Comments

[chip]

on sleep: I love to sleep. My wife loves to sleep. My daughter has always loved to sleep, she took wonderfully long naps as a baby, toddler and still is alseep as I write (10:30am sunday).

But my son never napped. Believe me, we wanted him to nap. But for some strange reason he never really needed a lot of sleep. He never took naps as a baby or toddler -- we'd put him in his room for "quiet time" in order to get a break but he never fell asleep, though he'd play quietly for a while. He still doesn't need much sleep at the age of 11. So on this point of yours nearly every child is capable of getting more sleep, you just have to find the way to encourage it that works for your family, believe me, from experience, this is not true, and depends on the kid. Kids are different and some kids just don't need as much sleep.

I'll also say that when I read what you've written it didn't make me mad or even judgemental about you, except my reaction was: just wait until your second kid is born and doesn't sleep. You'll see. :-) Because I have to say I used to think the exact same thing when we only had one, and remember, that one was the one who loved to sleep.

On the broader question, I think if people want to have their kids running around their own homes or yards without diapers, fine, though I am not sure I could live with that... For me I think the judgmentalism comes when I see parents stuffing their little toddlers with sugary stuff, when they let their kids run wild in public places -- believe me, my kids are no angels, but when they got like that I'd take them away. I have other areas of judgmentalism but I've learned to keep them to myself in person. Occasionally I'll blog about them. But what I've learned after 14 years of parenting is that for the most part the important thing is to do what you believe and feel comfortable with. As long as kids are loved and nurtured the other stuff probably doesn't matter so much.

[Cynical Mom]

I'll believe it when I see it (thus the 'nearly'). And that is *not* the same thing as "I don't believe it". I just haven't seen it yet is all :-) I have seen so many little babies whose parents say they don't nap, but they show such obvious signs of being overtired to me.

I also don't mean to say that this 'other stuff' really matters. At the end of the day I do what I want for my kids and I don't stop others from doing what they want for their kids. I'm just trying to make myself aware of my judgmental tendencies. I've actually come around on the diaperless thing... I don't think it's so weird anymore, I just think it's incredibly time consuming and for me, the reward is low, and so I choose not to spend my time on it.

[kz]

Well, I have to say I never considered you judgemental about EC ;) (and I'm one of the EC moms who responded). But, really, if you can't be judgemental on your own blog, where can you be?

I can be quite judgemental, and it bothers me to a certain extent that I am. I'm more judgemental about attitudes than actions (or the lack thereof), and I try to reign them in. When it comes to politics, though, I don't hold back. Yet, of course you are entitled to an opinion. It's when an opinion belittles or pidgeonholes someone (or something) and is not open to a different perspective is when I think the term "judgemental" comes into its form. Which I don't think you have been - either with EC or sleep habits.

Congrats on almost having Potus! I always loved the last month or so. I thrive on anticipation. Which is why I actually enjoyed going two weeks late with my second, and felt a bit cheated when my third showed up a week early. The best part for me about going so late was the looks on people's faces when I answered their "when are you due?" question with, "Two weeks ago." Priceless!

[Cynical Mom]

kz - well, even if you didn't feel judged, I felt like I was judgmental ;-) I am actually big on anticipation myself, I always do things like save the best bit of food for the last bite and that. That does not mean that I would enjoy being two weeks late though! I think I will probably opt for an induction after a few days after my due date, I hate the idea of choosing the likely date of birth but I do like the idea of choosing an induction + epidural starting in the evening so that I can do the hardest work after some sleep instead of how we did it last time, which was the exact opposite.