"All" isn't just a laundry detergent

Fred at Stone Court & Elizabeth at Half-Changed World talked recently (here and here, respectively) about different aspects of career + parenting and "having it all".

Fred's discusses the nuances of what 'having it all' really means, and my knee-jerk reaction was "But I thought 'having it all' was all about being happy with whatever you had?" It's like the current debate I've seen floating around the blogosphere about whether or not the point of feminism truly is choice, and is it "ok" for a feminist to choose a stereotypically female role, if it makes them happy, or is that anti-feminist.

I've had a career and a family for a couple of years now, and only in the last 6-9 months (and only really intensely in the last 2-3 months) have I finally felt like I had it all, because I was finally happy with both parts of my life.

I love the quality and quantity of time I spend with my son, I love my job and what I get to do at work, I love my company, my group and my manager for their willingness to adapt to my needs and desires, I love my son's daycare and the amazing things he learns there, I love how much he adores his friends at daycare, I love the person my son is growing into, and I love myself more for finally not being so stressed out or worried that I've made an incorrect choice.

What made the change? A few things, one of them happened only as recently as last night:

• Last night, I realized my son was ready to move his bedtime back For roughly the first 18 months of his life, he went to bed at 6pm. This didn't work so well with our 9-5 jobs. Lately he's been waking up earlier and earlier and so last night we put him to bed at 7:30 to see if that would help, and he slept in to a very reasonable hour. Tonight we kept him up until 7:15 and had a blast swimming in the hot tub together. I am very hopeful that he will keep to this new schedule, allowing us more sleep in the morning as well as more time with him after work and before bed, a win-win if I've ever seen one.
• My job has gotten more and more interesting over the last few months. 6 months ago I stepped down from a high-stress, high-reward, very challenging job that I enjoyed but that was pushing me over the edge. I moved into a part-time position with more flexibility in responsibilities and expectations on my time. Over the last six months my responsibilities have morphed, I've gotten to work on very fun projects that were very rewarding internally and yet I saw clear benefit to the team in me being involved.
• For a long time I struggled with doubt about whether or not I was making the wrong choice in continuing to work, will I regret it ten years from now, etc. I have finally achieved peace with my current choice. Part of this was the realization that I do not believe that having a stay at home parent (of either gender) is always better than having "outsourced" childcare. In our particular case, I think my son is happier in daycare than he would be were I at home all day with him (and vice versa), and that he and I will both reap many rewards from this environment over the coming years.

The last point will surely come across to some as a defensive reaction to the fact that I like working, that I have to convince myself that daycare is a good thing for my kid. I don't know how to respond to that, it's not the kind of point you can ever successfully argue against ("You're being defensive!" "No I'm not!" "See? There you go again!"), except to say that I know myself and my son better than anyone else.

I've spent a long time over the last few weeks turning around this idea in my head, I couldn't quite believe how comfortable I was with my position as it just doesn't seem natural - "Do I really believe that my son is going to be just fine with someone else raising him 30-40 hours a week instead of me? How could it be possible that this is better for him than me always being there?" I think the second question only comes up because of our society's current inclination to push that  by default, mother care is best. Of course, I'm going one step further and saying that it's not just that father care is also great, but that even other solutions that don't involve a parent as a primary caretaker during the day may be more than just "an acceptable solution given no alternatives", but rather  a perfectly valid choice even with full-time parental care being an alternative - for some families.

I feel very naked right now, standing up and saying that I'm a mother, and at this point in our lives, I think my son's better off in a daycare than with me all day. It is a very unnatural and unnerving thought, even to me.

Now let's just turn the clock forward three more months and see what happens when POTUS arrives... :-)

Comments

[Keith]

I think my son's better off in a daycare than with me all day.

Sarah and I have talked a lot about that and we've come to the same conclution. Its not that we think we're bad parents, but we think the exposure to other children and experiances and games that we wouldn't think of doing is highly beneficial. As every parent is, we're still learning how to play/teach/etc our child and we love the new things that daycare teaches our child. At the same time, we're learning a lot from them as well.

However, this is especially true when compared to other children we know who stay with parents and relatives. They don't go out of their way to do the exposure to play dates and songs and stuff, and there's a lot more tv watching time at a younger age than I would be comfortable with.

I'm not trying to say that as a stay at home parent you can't do that, in fact, many stay at home parents go even farther. But for us, and how we run our life, we have no problem with our child going to day care because of the all the benefits we perceive.

[Beth]

I agree that for many kids, especially toddlers, being in daycare can be more beneficial than full-time in-home one-parent care. I view it as the whole 'takes a village' concept - back in the day, it would have been the village and the village kids all together with the older kids minding the younger ones and whatever adult caretakers were available. Today, we pay professionals instead, because our lives aren't village-structured anymore.

Anecdotally, my eldest son is possessed of far more energy than any one parent can handle alone, on a day-to-day basis without going stark raving mad. The exposure to other kids, opportunities for outdoor play and structured activities he gets at his school are things he needs to keep him busy and use up all that energy so he can sleep at night. If we don't maintain a roughly similar pace on weekends, that includes at least two periods of heavy physical activity for him, we wind up with a three-year old who's still up at midnight jumping on the bed and beaning us over the head with pillows.

[Cynical Mom]

Keith: Agreed completely on all your points. I have a huge amount of respect for stay at home parents that *do* give their children as many types of activities & opportunities as daycare does for Jared. And I learn a lot of things from daycare as well, like it didn't even occur to me to start teaching him how to do things like pour his own milk or *gasp* drink out of an open cup. And we only started a handwashing ritual after meals when we saw it being done at his school.

Beth: Yep, definitely. Of course it's worth mentioning that the professionals we're paying in our case are probably better paid than most, we're really lucky that such a high quality daycare is available to us, and we're spending far more than we would on college to send him there, but quite happily.

Fortunately my son isn't *extremely* high energy... I think I would go nuts if I had to deal with that day-in and day-out, especially at 7m pregnant. I don't know how some parents do it.