Again with the nature/nurture

My parents recently left after spending most of a week with me. During that time, I had a variety of interesting conversations with them about life, the universe and everything. I introduced them to Freakonomics and Malcolm Gladwell, and I learned more about the grandfather I never met.

One of the conversations my mom and I returned to several times over the course of the last few days was nature vs nurture. My mom's position is that she tried very, very hard to make sure her four girls (out of five children) were not exposed to too much gender stereotyping, and yet they (we) all adored Barbie, so there you go, nature it is.

My position is that if she were the only influence on us, then perhaps we wouldn't have adored Barbie quite so much, but it's just the way of the world that children's peers and other people with whom they have some contact end up influencing their direction as well... and well, I know all my friends played with Barbie too. Although there was that one kid, Kevin, who in second grade could draw the most amazing Ninjas, I hope I complimented him on them at least once as I found them fascinating.

My perspective, being one of those four girls, is that she did a fantastic job, as best she could have, given the rest of the societal influences on us wee ones.

I clearly remember playing with barbie and my little pony, but I also clearly remember my box full of little green army men and hating wearing dresses or skirts. I managed to make it through high school without having any idea of how to put on makeup (still true). I early on ditched purses for the much more convenient wallet in the back pocket or, if needed, backpack. I believe I managed to make it almost to adulthood without any idea that some people considered it odd for women (and more specifically mothers) to work if they don't absolutely have to. My mom was mostly stay at home when the kids were young, although I do remember that at least when I was young, she took on a variety of jobs or outside interests such as writing for the local paper, participating in various organizations, etc. I always figured that I myself would work when I was a mother, and since I crossed that threshold, I've had a much harder time struggling with the idea of staying home than the idea of staying at work.

In a visit to my parents' house last year, my mother said to me: "My wish for you is that you have a daughter some day, because they are a wonderful thing for a mother." One of the reasons I wanted a boy with my first pregnancy was my fear of raising a girl. I struggled mightily with self esteem issues until about... three years ago. Now it's only a wee struggle instead of a mighty one. I've gained enough mothering confidence with my firstborn that I feel I will be able to tackle what I perceive to be the challenges of raising a girl, and I would welcome those challenges indeed if this one turns out to be a girl. Of course, I still hope that I will be able to forge and maintain a relationship with my son(s) as strong as any I would have with a daughter, but that statement really sticks with me.

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Comments

[kz]

Were you never exposed to Barbies, you never would have played with them. You may have invented your own doll that looked remarkably like Barbie, perhaps, but my bet is her name would have been "Samantha" or something else not so yuppie... maybe Pip. Anyways, nurture can only go as far as exposure allows.

I was terrified to raise girls. I was such a tomboy, I couldn't imagine figuring out girls. Now, with three of them, I can't imagine it any other way!