At-home vs at-work

I was invited to take a preview of a class about "Transitioning back to work after having a child", which I attended this morning. During the class, the lecturer asked the 10 or so people (3 men) around the table if any of us knew stay at home dads. I was pleased and quite surprised that at least five people around the table said yes, including a couple of the men. How cool is that, I thought, that it's getting more and more common.

Then I remembered a discussion I had with a female coworker with two children and a husband who stays home and is the primary caretaker of their children. It happened during our first meeting when she joined our group, we started talking about kids and her husband's SAHDness came up. I said how cool I thought that was, and she said: "Yeah well it's great, except when I get home the house is still a mess. What is he doing all day that he can't clean up a little?"

Ugh. I think I would have smacked my husband if he ever said something like that to me on the days I've stayed home with our (only one at the time) kid. Of all the people to make such a comment, I was disappointed it came from the wife of a SAHD. It's like Mommy Drive-Bys... of all the people to understand what it's really like and to not criticize, you'd think it would be moms. But no.

Comments

[chip]

So, did you defend the SAHD and explain to this mom how staying at home full time is hard work?

[Cynical Mom]

Nope, I think I raised my eyebrows and changed the topic of conversation. I had just met her and wouldn't have been comfortable saying anything like that, we would have gotten off on the wrong foot professionally. Now if I had a female friend who said such a thing...

[Elizabeth]

I have to say, housekeeping standards are probably the single biggest subject of controversy on the email list that I'm on for working wives of SAHDs. I think we all know that taking care of kids is a lot of work -- it's not that we think our husbands are sitting around eating bonbons and watching daytime tv (or eating cold pizza and playing Everquest).

But there's a lot of resentment about (some) SAHDs who don't clean and feel like their day is over when the mom comes home, so that she comes home from a day at work and is immediately juggling needy kids and trying to get dinner made, the house cleaned, etc. We realize that they need a break after a day of at-home parenting, but when's our break?

My particular pet peeve is when my DH doesn't push the kids to put their toys away, so I become the bad guy when I insist.

[chip]

but some of it, I think, is tolerance levels. My wife has a much higher tolerance level for undone housework than I do (with the exception of dirty dishes). I think part of the issue may be people who expect the house to be cleaned, the laundry to be washed immediately, rather than a different temperament which is willing to wait and isn't so bothered if things aren't done right away. Anyway, if this is an issue it's something that should be discussed, right?

[Chaz]

"My wife has a much higher tolerance level for undone housework than I do" - I hear ya. However, I just think of the night-time feeds and laundry she does single-handed, and cut her a bit of slack. Laundry==hell.

[kz]

As the working wife to a SAHD, I say YAY to your reaction. However, I do often get frusterated at the level of housework I have to do after I return home from work. It is hard to stop myself from thinking, "SAHM houses I visit are so much better organized and cleaner than my house. How do they manage to get the dishes done and Hubby doesn't?"

Then I have to remind myself of my childhood with my SAHM, and how much of her time was spent cleaning the house instead of playing with us. I would rather the house be in disrepair and the kids happy and stimulated, than have a spotless home.

And, having no dinner ready when I get home gives me the opportunity to cook with my kids. hee hee.

[Cynical]

KZ: Now that's a good point. I certainly prioritize kid time over cleaning time when I'm home with jared.

As for higher tolerance, I totally agree that men in general tend to have a higher tolerance than women, and unfortunately for me, my tolerance is much lower than my husband's (and I'm big on the "Even if it does bug me that it's dirty, i'd rather spend time with jared" aspect), so it causes strife. That's why we had a cleaning service until recently when they dumped us, obviously not an option for everyone but we could afford it and we did appreciate it.

I think there are also different levels of 'cleaning' that can be applicable, e.g. I think putting away toys is a basic part of childcare, but scrubbing bathrooms isn't. And there's the "clutter" vs "dirt" aspect too - I tend to declutter and don't notice dirt until it's really bad, DH is the other way around. Anywhere standards are different, that's where discussions need to be had ;-)

I guess my main problem with this woman's comment was that the way she said it indicated a lack of overall respect for at-home-parenting. And that's what really bugged me. I don't think I want to be a stay at home parent myself, but I have a *huge* amount of respect for anyone who chooses it.