On negativity

A while back, I read "The mask of motherhood: how becoming a mother changes our life and why we never talk about it." I very much enjoyed it, identified with many of the struggles described therein and overall found it thought provoking, well written and well, validating. It's nice to know you're not alone, regardless of the issue.

So while looking for more related books to check out, I was looking at the "if you liked this book, try..." on Amazon, and on a whim decided to read the reviews about the mask of motherhood. Pretty much anything below 4 stars called out its negative tone:

"Mixed bag...bold ideas but is she unhappy mother"

"The book was somewhat interesting, but I came away from it with such a bad feeling. The author just struck me as being so very bitter! I would hate to be her daughter and read this book. She and her partner didn't seem to find any joy in parenting at all(except as a topic to write a book about?) I realize the focus of the book is supposed to be on the negatives, but still!"

"The material is presented in a very negative way, and tends to be more biased towards the bad experiences when discussing examples."

"I found the Mask of Motherhood to be a really negative read and wondered quite a bit why Susan Mausart bothered to have three children if it was all so potentially and personally disappointing"

This reminded me of Chocolate & Peanut Butter's post, Mind Control for Mothers, and one of the lines in particular from that post that really stuck  with me: "Or do we have to candy everything into an Everlasting Gobstopper of motherly sweetness?"

As someone who's been accused of being overly negative myself about parenting issues (and blogging overly negative things as well), I am going to reread the book to see if I walk away with any additional or changed impressions. Chances are, I won't. And I will probably then post something negative, or agreeing with the negativity in the book, or whatever. Ah well.

I guess I just don't need my literature to be positive; I will seek my happiness in being a mother from within and don't need that happiness to be played back at me in this specific form of media. Now, movies... I have a tendency to only like movies with fairly happy endings or resolutions. I blame this on the fact that I so easily get wrapped up and emotionally involved in movies that I end up feeling depressed if the movie ends on a down note.

With books, it's somehow different for me; when reading negative literature, if I identify with it, when finishing the book I feel empowered and validated. If I don't identify with a book that happens to be negative, it just doesn't affect me. I read Faulkner Fox's Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life : Or How I Learned to Love the House, the Man, the Child last year; while it also had a negative tone, I didn't identify with it or feel like I truly understood the author by the time I was done. But it didn't stay with me after I was finished and I don't consider the negativity to be a reason that I didn't like the book. I just plum didn't like it. :-)

I read Naomi Wolf's Misconceptions about five months along in my first pregnancy and it made me question a lot of the "just go along with the flow" thinking about pregnancy and birth that I'd been doing. I used the information in the book to do more research and subsequently had a great visit with my OB where I peppered him with questions about how he feels about episiotomies, "failure to progress" in labor and the other pitfalls Naomi outlined. I ended up staying with him because I was satisfied with his answers.

Comments

[Anne]

As you know, I get really tired of what I see as the overemphasis on how great mothering is. I think there's a need for more honesty about it.

Being negative about things can come from being discerning. I love my husband dearly, but sometimes he just can't see relative quality of things. He'd make a terrible restaurant or movie critic because he's so damn positive all the time. We need people that can tell the difference between good and bad and who are willing to point it out.

But being overly negative can also lead to depression. That's another topic entirely, but I don't want to imply that I think negative mindsets are always good.

[Cynical]

I wouldn't say that being negative leads to depression... I'd say they are two symptoms of the same root cause, which results in negativity and depression. That root cause might be a chemical imbalance, a severe emotional event, etc.

It definitely bugs me that there's so little honesty about mothering. That's what the mask of motherhood is all about.

[Anne]

Yes, you're probably right--depression leads to negative thinking not the other way around.

I thought I had read that book but when I looked at it on Amazon it doesn't look familiar. I'm going to check it out. Thanks.

[Paul]

Read "Useful Idiots" by Mona Charen. It is an eye opener.

[chip]

I'm with you on the "negative"; If I believed in book burnings (which I don't) I'd be the first to throw the the Chicken Soup books onto the pyre, maybe even before all the right wing propaganda/hate literature (from Coulter to Charen to OReilly)!

And "negative" is not really the right word anyway. How about realistic. One big problem with this society is that there's absolutely too much happy face stuff going on, obviously meant to make people ignore/overlook bad stuff that really exists, or to make them feel bad about focusing on it. But there's no way forward without recognizing the negative!

(all this said in full recognition that my blog is a sappy and overly nostalgic look at being a dad, with not much of the real life negative stuff... go figure!)