My so-called book review, aka more ranting on parenting literature

It occurred to me today that I don't really like books written by parents of many children (where 'many' is defined as "more than 7" at the moment, until I find a book I don't like written by someone with 6 kids in which case I will change my definition).

On the one hand, you'd think that they'd really know what they're doing after that many kids... But on the other hand, by the very nature of their choice to have so many children and give up so much of themselves, they are obviously very far removed from who I am and what I want out of my life. I love being a parent, but I also love being me, and I want to have time for both in my life.

Take, for example, "I didn't plan on being a witch, and other surprises of a joyful mother", written by a mother of nine (when does she have time to write books??). The book is filled with examples of how she found joy in chaos, peace in disruption, yadda yadda yadda. Good for you! But guess what, the nature of the challenges I have don't really map well to someone who has to deal with five children under the age of eight when going to the mall. And reading the stories, I can't help but feel small -  after all, who am I to complain with only 1.3 children at the moment? Of course this is more a sign of my own insecurity than any fault of the author, but I just haven't been able to get into this book. Compare this to my reaction to Anne Lamott's wonderful "Operating Instructions: a journal of my son's first year", which I devoured in a single day when my son was a few weeks old. Now there's a book that I bonded with, that made me see that I wasn't alone, that brought me into the author's life in a loving way. To this day when I read articles by Anne on Salon or elsewhere that mention her son, I think "Oh Sam, I know him!". The poor kid. ;-)

Another book by a many-parent that I did find useful in many cases but overall I disliked was the Sears' Baby Book. I read the entire thing cover to cover early on, and although there is a lot of useful information  in it (especially if you agree with the authors that babywearing and breastfeeding are nearly orgasmic experiences), it sends some messages that I don't agree with.

First off is the cramming of pro-breastfeeding down your throat. Yes, I know breast is the best nutrition for baby. I breastfed my son for 13 months, putting me in a very small percentage of mothers these days, and in retrospect I'm glad I did it. But it sure as heck wasn't easy and during that beginning period, I certainly didn't appreciate preaching or being beat over the head with it.

Throughout the book, breastfeeding is shoved in your face and related to every other aspect of parenting. Got a baby with Down's Syndrome? Ah, babies with down's syndrome are prone to heart problems, and breast milk is lower in salt and is more physiologic. Tips on how to breastfeed your adopted baby - i.e. yourself, not using milk from a milk bank, using a technique called "induced lactation". (Um, wow. That's dedication.) The best pillow positions to breastfeed twins (or triplets) at the same time.

In fact, there are over 80 pages of information on breastfeeding, but 16 on bottlefeeding (several of those 16 taken up with a chart that compares human milk to formula and attempts to drive home the point that really, formula sucks and shouldn't you try breastfeeding instead? Don't you love your baby?). The bottlefeeding chapter is even named "Bottlefeeding with safety and love" - if it didn't specifically call out safety and love, would you assume that they were missing, since it's such a difficult thing, apparently, to bottlefeed with safety and love?

And then, Dr. Sears eventually gets to working and parenting... 18 measly pages worth, the first 4 of which are taken up with information you should consider if you're thinking about quitting, want to stay home with your baby but think you can't afford to quit, etc. I.e. let's send a clear message here in the chapter on working that really, working is not a good thing. The book spends a page describing the various childcare options, but the five lines about commercial day care tell you that it's just not recommended, you wouldn't want to do that for your baby would you? Here is where you also see some of the sexist tones that are sprinkled throughout the book, the description of "Home day care (Family day care)" says:

In this arrangement baby is cared for in another mother's home.

Um. Yes, and sometimes it's a father's home. This blatant sexism is found throughout the book, from the section on "Who stays home with the baby when he's sick?" that says:

Sick babies should have their mothers if at all possible -- mother preference intensifies when baby is sick.

Really? Well DaddyChip, RebelDad and the many other stay-at-home dads out there, I hope you realize that truly, under the covers, the kids prefer mom and since you can't "win", you should stop trying, since apparently it's a competition. It's written in a book, it must be true! I'm not denying that it is true, in many families - but stating it categorically is just ridiculous.

The Baby Book purports to be written by Bill (the doctor, the dad of eight) and Martha (the nurse and lactation consultant, the mother of eight) with some contributions by two of their sons (both M.D.s, the dinnertime conversation when they get together must be interesting, although it probably revolves entirely around breastfeeding). I just can't help but wonder when Bill had time to spend good quality time with his eight children while also being a doctor, that must have been quite a challenge.

Apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way about the book, several of the reviews I skimmed on Amazon also call out the underlying tone of pro-mother, anti-father-or-really-I-guess-fathers-are-OK-but-really-it's-the-mothers- who-are-the-important-ones-here- but-only-if-they-stay-home. I think that this book is probably a fantastic resource for people who are very interested in or already dedicated to attachment parenting and need tips and tricks on the common methodologies of AP such as babywearing, breastfeeding and cosleeping. But in the end, I think the negative aspects of the book (guilt-inducing, sexism, etc) outweigh the positives and ultimately this book is not a good resource for a new mom, particularly one who loves her child dearly but does not feel passionately that her type of parenting needs a label.

And there I go, earning the name of this blog again... I suspect I've got more of these in me, so I created a new category for it :-)

Comments

[dbt]

You and I have had this debate before, but I think that we probably underestimate the strength by which modernist doctors were convinced (and in turn passed along to new mothers) the idea that modern formula was better than tired old breastfeeding between 1920 and 1970.

[Cynical Mom]

Oh I don't deny it, my mom was one of very few at the time who breastfed and the push was definitely in the direction of formula. So I do have some sympathy for the cultish aspects of pro-breastfeeding, that they feel they need to be that strongly pro-BF to negate the years of anti-BF. But I believe there are ways to be supportive and provide information without also simultaneously cramming it down your gullet. :-)

[chip]

You forgot to mention Induced Male Lactation as an option (check out http://www.unassistedchildbirth.com/miscarticles/milkmen.html )! See, dads can breastfeed too ( check out http://www.unhinderedliving.com/nursingfather.html )!! (seriously!) I feel so guilty that I didn't even try to do this...

The problem with these books is that they are about someone else, written by someone who does not know your particular circumstances. We found some of the books helpful in the area of symptoms of various illnesses, and trivia like info about child development, but mostly went with our instincts.

And of course the bias against dads in most of what's written out there is overwhelming. It's as if these people are stuck in some 1950s time warp or something.

Anyway, excellent book review/rant! This is why I love your blog!

[chip]

ps I was just joking about feeling guilty...